12-17-2019, 11:42 AM
(11-13-2019, 08:32 AM)Pinprick Wrote: Unsightly and unseen,Suggestions: switch the order of L1 and L2, then remove the line break. Remove line break between L3 and L4.
I trespass in dream.
A wanderer wondering
If my shadow is seen.
Silent and solitaire,
I solemnly stare
In the darkness of dream,
Like an unheard scream.
With a voyeur’s gaze
And eyes ablaze
All thoughts are mined
In this peep show of mind.
I lose the simile on L7 and L8. L9-12 feel as if they are trying to fit eight lines of material into four, but without sufficient word choice to make it effective.
Good rhythm, but simple rhymes.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona