Cool (edit 4)

[Knot]

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Hi bbc,

another improvement,

though I think you can go still further

Our Rites

- Sends me to 'Last Rites' (which

then leaves me disappointed).

I thinkthere's a better title out there.

light clinging to snowflakes

snow sticking to everything

a picturesque squall

- it's a bit telling, not showing, but ... ok.

and the road was ours

- which road? Even if fictional, a better

sense of place would lift this, I think.

(Also 'whole road' ?)

swerving across medians

spinning through intersections

- is 'spinning' the right term?

a high school thrill ride

me, Marty, Red

the exuberant terror

young men crave

- maybe smooth this out a bit

a high school thrill ride,

me, Mart, Red

and the exuberant terror

young men (in a ?) crave ...

our battle

our turf

four tires skating

- given the two 'ours' preceding this line,

why not 'our tires ...' ?

under street lights

three boys hurtling

- similarly, why not 'us hurtling' ?

at snow banks

in the back

Marty squealed

- Wonder what would happen if you put

all this in the present tense? 'squealed'

deprives this of any real tension

"You're so cool!"

as instinctively

- I think you could afford to cut this line

I palmed the wheel

focused on the physics

of steel flying towards snow

- perhaps condense the final two lines?

lost in the physics

of winter

Best, Knot

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