12-10-2019, 03:20 PM
Cool
a January squall
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything As much as I hate to have my first comment here be disagreeing with a moderator, I really love these two lines in themselves. The "light" line evokes the eye-dazzling light show that is a snowstorm. The "snow" line magnifies it, and gives us a very agreeable play with the parallels of "clinging" and "sticking". However, I do agree that it has a very different tone to the rest of the poem. It sets the reader up for almost delicate beauty, and I felt like I had to shift gears to get into the high-paced action that follows. If that's a deliberate contrast, do you want to make it more distinct? Really make the reader feel the quiet of the snow-muffled scene, then ka-CHOW! teen-aged driver comin' through!?
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror Yep, this phrase nails it for me.
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks Perhaps it's the unfinished story here that originally prompted you to have the line "This is no cautionary tale." For me the image of hurtling toward snow banks pushes my brain toward seeking conclusions: Did you hit them? Hard or soft landing? etc.. (But then, I'm a mom.) Wanting that conclusion makes it hard for me to focus on Marty's words. Since you've taken out the part that tells me to not worry about it, what if you changed "towards" to "around" or "through" or "over". You get the idea -- something that doesn't include the possibility of interrupted motion. Your ride keeps going, and you want us to keep going with you, right?
from the back seat
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously Yes, I agree with the other commenters who feel like the word "unconsciously" just doesn't seem to fit well. Part of it might be the apparent discrepancy that palming the wheel is unconscious while driving is the only thing you're not oblivious to.
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the Physics
of steel towards snow I like the overall movement of this poem from scene to action to the interior of the car to the interior of your mind.
a January squall
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything As much as I hate to have my first comment here be disagreeing with a moderator, I really love these two lines in themselves. The "light" line evokes the eye-dazzling light show that is a snowstorm. The "snow" line magnifies it, and gives us a very agreeable play with the parallels of "clinging" and "sticking". However, I do agree that it has a very different tone to the rest of the poem. It sets the reader up for almost delicate beauty, and I felt like I had to shift gears to get into the high-paced action that follows. If that's a deliberate contrast, do you want to make it more distinct? Really make the reader feel the quiet of the snow-muffled scene, then ka-CHOW! teen-aged driver comin' through!?
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror Yep, this phrase nails it for me.
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks Perhaps it's the unfinished story here that originally prompted you to have the line "This is no cautionary tale." For me the image of hurtling toward snow banks pushes my brain toward seeking conclusions: Did you hit them? Hard or soft landing? etc.. (But then, I'm a mom.) Wanting that conclusion makes it hard for me to focus on Marty's words. Since you've taken out the part that tells me to not worry about it, what if you changed "towards" to "around" or "through" or "over". You get the idea -- something that doesn't include the possibility of interrupted motion. Your ride keeps going, and you want us to keep going with you, right?
from the back seat
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously Yes, I agree with the other commenters who feel like the word "unconsciously" just doesn't seem to fit well. Part of it might be the apparent discrepancy that palming the wheel is unconscious while driving is the only thing you're not oblivious to.
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the Physics
of steel towards snow I like the overall movement of this poem from scene to action to the interior of the car to the interior of your mind.