12-10-2019, 12:19 AM
.
Hi bbc,
nice idea, clearly presented and improved with the revision.
My main reservation is that while it seems to be about a
specific incident, there's no real sense of place.
Cool
- the title is a bit underwhelming, particularly as it's used in s5.
I thought you were close to something with your comment to
billy about - the feel of snow
a January squall
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything
I wonder if you could go further with your scene setting?
Something technical sounding (wind-speed/direction/
temperature) to match with the 'physics' in the final verse.
Also, perhaps repeat either 'clings' or 'sticks'?
we had the road to ourselves
- do you need the next two lines?
They seem to be implied by 'high school thrill ride'
Be nice to know what type of road they're on.
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
- be nice to have a little more here,
of what are they terrified?
And doesn't 'high school' suggest that they are 'young'?
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks
I agree with billy about the 'numbers' here. That there
are three is established in the previous stanza (though
they are described as 'young men' there, not 'boys'),
the 'four tires' seems obvious, and - I apologise here
- makes me hear a choir singing 'five gold rings'.
from the back seat
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
- might 'reflexively' or 'instinctively' be better?
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
- pedant's point, but - if N is oblivious to everything
how does he hear 'Marty'?
but the Physics
of steel towards snow
- it stumbles a little a the last, for me.
I think it's the 'towards'.
Maybe cut the line after 'physics'?
or
... momentum of steel
and the feel of snow?
By way of food for thought
a January squall
light
clinging to snowflakes
snow
sticking to everything
me, Marty, Red
we had the road to ourselves
our battle
swerving across medians
our turf
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the Physics of steel
towards snow
Best, Knot
.
Hi bbc,
nice idea, clearly presented and improved with the revision.
My main reservation is that while it seems to be about a
specific incident, there's no real sense of place.
Cool
- the title is a bit underwhelming, particularly as it's used in s5.
I thought you were close to something with your comment to
billy about - the feel of snow
a January squall
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything
I wonder if you could go further with your scene setting?
Something technical sounding (wind-speed/direction/
temperature) to match with the 'physics' in the final verse.
Also, perhaps repeat either 'clings' or 'sticks'?
we had the road to ourselves
- do you need the next two lines?
They seem to be implied by 'high school thrill ride'
Be nice to know what type of road they're on.
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
- be nice to have a little more here,
of what are they terrified?
And doesn't 'high school' suggest that they are 'young'?
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks
I agree with billy about the 'numbers' here. That there
are three is established in the previous stanza (though
they are described as 'young men' there, not 'boys'),
the 'four tires' seems obvious, and - I apologise here
- makes me hear a choir singing 'five gold rings'.
from the back seat
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
- might 'reflexively' or 'instinctively' be better?
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
- pedant's point, but - if N is oblivious to everything
how does he hear 'Marty'?
but the Physics
of steel towards snow
- it stumbles a little a the last, for me.
I think it's the 'towards'.
Maybe cut the line after 'physics'?
or
... momentum of steel
and the feel of snow?
By way of food for thought
a January squall
light
clinging to snowflakes
snow
sticking to everything
me, Marty, Red
we had the road to ourselves
our battle
swerving across medians
our turf
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the Physics of steel
towards snow
Best, Knot
.