Brown Squawk (Pantoom)

[Knot]

Hi Ossey D.
Enjoyed the read, though I agree with WJames about the E line ('chin slappin') - it doesn't hold up to repetition.
(A very tentative suggestion - laughing as we sleep, three deep in a twin bed)

You could, perhaps, trim the B line, as in
"Those people," they say, "have their babies, live off my taxes."

It might be worth revisiting the final verse, it's rather disjointed.
Did you consider
Brodie killed a cockroach. Squashed it underneath his tongue.
When we aren’t lookin’, they whisper the same things.
One day I’ll have bangs and my zits’ll clear.
They don’t say brown.   ?

(I think 'brown' offers a stronger finish)


Best, Knot.


.