10-29-2019, 06:18 PM
Overall, yeah, what others said. On grittier stuff, two notes.
There's emphasis missed by having all the rhymes be internal, than breaking by most of the rhymes (ie, "With the moon in spotlight, / I moonlight the night.") The positives of this poem would be less easily missed if its ideas had a little more punch.
Some lines feel thoroughly dispensable. Most obvious one for me is "Mother Earth, Goddess, Gaia....". The mythic or esoteric it introduces just doesn't seem to have any bearing to the rest of the poem. And sometimes the 'punny' nature of the piece becomes overbearing, like in "My mother taught me well so I rebel / A pupil of the Earth, I die late at my birth" but that's more up to you. Lovely work.
There's emphasis missed by having all the rhymes be internal, than breaking by most of the rhymes (ie, "With the moon in spotlight, / I moonlight the night.") The positives of this poem would be less easily missed if its ideas had a little more punch.
Some lines feel thoroughly dispensable. Most obvious one for me is "Mother Earth, Goddess, Gaia....". The mythic or esoteric it introduces just doesn't seem to have any bearing to the rest of the poem. And sometimes the 'punny' nature of the piece becomes overbearing, like in "My mother taught me well so I rebel / A pupil of the Earth, I die late at my birth" but that's more up to you. Lovely work.