De profundis (final)

[Knot]

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Hi Busker,
like the revision, but I do miss the cranes
Not sure about the syntax of the first two lines,
like summer / Sangiovese, just seems awkward to me.
(wind swept locks is still a little clichéd, )


Just a thought ...


Darling boy, whose lips are like summer
Sangiovese, the light tangles
in your hair, like dawn in a wood,
intense, profound.


In dreams, the Neapolitan sun
illuminates the sea, a boat, beautiful
boys. Red, malachite, and gold
the day. Their heads haloed, golden
hay, their wind swept locks.


The leap into a tidy sea,
and I sink deep into the depths.
Where I go the cranes are reeling


Best, Knot




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