10-13-2019, 10:23 AM
(10-12-2019, 10:59 PM)Xlateralus Wrote: Little BitShort and straight.
Dear it's quite clear you're like a lemon drop
You're the kind of candy that sticks
hard shell gone soft - stuck in mouth
You're the kind of candy that tricks
with a two toned taste - a little bitter
You're the kind of candy that sits -
bottom of the dish - just sweet enough
Like a lemon drop
I get a rather straightforward description and some fair innuendo.
It works well as the piece it is, but I bet you could squeeze some extra layers into this.
Things to consider (but not explicitly begging for change)
Some extra punctuation may be useful.
I'd probably cut the repetition of "You're the kind of candy" (especially if no punctuation added) into more this format:
You're the kind of candy...
the kind that...
or the kind that...
which effectively creates a long one or two sentence poem (something I'm a bit fond of).
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona