10-01-2019, 05:06 AM
I can't decide if this piece is intended to be some serious woe-is-me or a kind of tongue-in-cheek Tony Robbins parody. 'Stab in the back', 'crap on your dreams'...very cliché, very sad sap. Not that there's anything wrong with sad and sappy, you just have to disguise it a little better for it to be effective. The "fap all in your zone" is more comical, and makes the piece hard to take seriously (which isn't a bad thing if you're trying to lighten the mood intentionally). Then again, the over-the-top clichés in here make the poem impossible to take seriously in a bad way.
My advice is to lose the common phrases like 'stab you in the back' which are common and expected, and replace them with your own ideas of what betrayal might look like.
Good luck,
BrandonD
My advice is to lose the common phrases like 'stab you in the back' which are common and expected, and replace them with your own ideas of what betrayal might look like.
Good luck,
BrandonD