Neverland

[alonso ramoran]

Hi 21xysafx21,

As many others have commented, the length is a bit off-putting, especially when there are lines that seems do-away-able. Whatever rhyme scheme you are trying to follow seems to hinder your language; I'd try rewriting this piece without regard for rhymes and more regard for what you are REALLY trying to say. The center alignment for this piece is odd because I don't see how it contributes to the poems themes of what seems to be childhood, innocence, and losing that innocence. I would justify it as being a nursery rhyme of some sort but it's way too long for that.

I'll be writing "cut" next to lines that I feel like are unnecessary. I'll provide some additional line-by-line feedback below as well.

Just looking for some genuine ways to make this a decent poem. Its my first one since school and is very emotionally meaningful to me. I want to make it 'actually good' as it has been very therapeutic for me to work on:

We met hidden under covers, "hidden" is not needed. If you want to maintain meter, maybe replace under with beneath.

sheltered in the dark cut

 and crawled towards each other

to escape our treasured mothers. Why treasured? Is there a better way to illustrate their endearment of their mothers than just with a descriptor?

Hopeless haunting spoilers

of our futures, already misjudged.

Our mother’s cries vibrating

from every surface that they touch. I missed who "they" are.

In pain, the shadows of her past "shadows of her past" is cliche.

surround the virtuous.

Too much to bear for infant minds,

the madness of her love.

 

We built a beautiful bubble Don't just call it beautiful, describe what makes it beautiful.

that only we could see.

We built a world—a universe cut

where only we could be. cut

Every night, sneaking down the halls,

we come for one another. This is kinda like the poem's introduction, no? You can cut this whole sentence out.

Only us two left awake,

the perfect time for our escape.

‘Come on, let’s go!’, no longer alone

 and finally off, the covers thrown.

Down the rabbit hole we go, Cliche

hand-in-hand into the night.

Skipping past the thorny hedgerows,

quickly out of sight.

 

We run through fields of candy canes:

red and white and green.

We rush through twinkling fireflies,

and swim through lakes of cream.

Tumbling, rolling strawberry hills

that seem to never end. cut

We climb up trees that have no tops,

and float down rainbows when we drop. love the fantastical images of this stanza

 

We promise things by starlight

and as we slide down snowy flights, this almost conflicts with "floating down rainbows"

we yell out ‘you and me against the world!’ with all our little might.

Grey mist clouds dance with glee

across horizons we can’t see.

I clasp your hand and pull you on,

whistling a childish song. What song?

 

How time outside the bubble goes,

in Neverland, we cannot know. Inverted syntax gives off the feeling that the poet is trying too hard

But one day, tranquil by a lake of rainbow fish, we sit and wait.

I look over, and in your gleaming eyes, the stormy shadows slowly rise.

‘Don’t look!’ I gasp, but you don’t move— and that’s the moment when I knew.

 

I run back through our firefly forest,

over our strawberry hills and on,

and all the way through Neverland, cut

back to the place where it all began. cut

The entrance to our bubble world, I'd connect this sentence to the one above it, with the previous cuts made.

a doorway made of twirls and swirls.

Your bedroom, on the other side,

I leave the doorway open wide.

 

I pull the covers off your bed

and see three pillows lying, dead.

I stand in awe, a trick, a stooge,

and every ounce of trust disproved. since you refer to broken trust in your last line, I'd cut this.

How long have you been gone, my friend? 

In who else’s world do you pretend?

 

Collapsed and heaving,

shaking and seething.

Convulsed upon your bedroom floor,

I never even heard you leaving.

My stomach churns and eyes burn,

frozen, dreading what I’m hearing.

Heavy footsteps growing nearer,

you climb out of the rabbit hole, and then sincerely

 

you say, ‘What’s wrong?’ with no expression.

The voice that always sounds like heaven.

I place my hand upon your chest,

the lack of warmth I do detest. "I do detest" sounds really clumsy, almost like it's trying to rhyme

I lift your shirt up as I must,

to see that to my own disgust:

screws and bolts and webs and dust

replace your heart, and break my trust.

Best,
Alex