Neverland

[cloud]

Thanks so much- I have shown this to a couple of friends but of course they only have 'nice' things to say. The story it tells is personal so it is hard to leave out everything that feels 'necessary'.

Suffice to say, "nice" things to say are never meaningful to an artist. 

If it is the inner child we're writing for, the outcome of your work should be profound. But it ends as a broken love affair which doesn't necessarily support the theme you're shooting for. My main issue is that you're narrating a metaphorical story that is too simplistic in its metaphors and lacks complexity where it should be profound and cunning.

Perhaps it's the water downed children's-book tone, or the monotonous length , but it all seems quite redundant honestly. This piece speaks, but falls on deaf ears; mine specifically, ears so familiar with personal grief that yours doesn't render itself to me as anything out of the ordinary.

In terms of communicating what type of theme you want to express, yeah, we all got the picture. But anything other than that, you've only implied to us: "things were great, now they are not."

In my opinion, the pain and emotion did not translate itself coherently, I think this is because the abstract nature of your piece, of which your theme manifests itself, indirectly sucks the essence from the theme at the same time, as it's difficult to relate to something you can't understand.

I feel as though communicating the emotion of your theme would benefit from a more cut-throat style of writing as opposed to tucking us in with a warm glass of milk. A lot of your wording isn't intricately or cunningly placed, and would be more fluid if most of the lines weren't written at all as they don't help translate much to the reader.

For example, in your last three stanzas, you have lines that do not stand on their own, or rather they only stand to satisfy a rhyme, which ends up creating a strange list of literary devices (personifications, metaphors, etc) and events that do not logically follow one another, it makes for a strange read.

 

I pull the covers off your bed

and see three pillows lying, dead.  strange.

I stand in awe, a trick, a stooge, you stand in awe? of three dead pillows? 

and every ounce of trust disproved.

How long have you been gone, my friend?

In who else’s world do you pretend? this is good

 

Collapsed and heaving,

shaking and seething.

Convulsed upon your bedroom floor,

I never even heard you leaving. this is proving the protagonist to be very blind and ignorant

My stomach churns and eyes burn,

frozen, dreading what I’m hearing. there are no sounds though??

Heavy footsteps growing nearer, these come out of nowhere

you climb out of the rabbit hole, and then sincerely

 

you say, ‘What’s wrong?’ with no expression.

The voice that always sounds like heaven. I like this

I place my hand upon your chest,

the lack of warmth I do detest.

I lift your shirt up as I must,

to see that to my own disgust:

screws and bolts and webs and dust

replace your heart, and break my trust.

I haven't much to say about this ending, it shot your stark message out of a haystack of confusion, it falls on deaf ears.