Neverland

[Knot]

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Hi 21,
I admire the ambition, but agree with UB, length and consistency are issues.
However, I don't find the 'personal' nature of the piece too much of an impediment.

I do think the title is unhelpful, especially when (Barrie's) Neverland bumps up
against, or falls down, (Carroll's) rabbit hole. If you're set on 'Neverland' then
perhaps a more imaginative treatment of 'mothers' might be appropriate.

We met hidden under covers,
- do you need both 'hidden' and 'under covers' ?
(The latter implies the former).
sheltered in the dark
and crawled towards each other
to escape our treasured mothers.
- not following 'treasured'
( which, together with Neverland made me think of Stevenson, Treasure Island)

You might consider 'despoilers' for 'spoilers'.

Mindful of your reply to UB on the importance of the 'inner child', it might
be worth having two registers/tones for the poem. One, perhaps more naturalistic
and darker, and the other the one you currently employ but used only when
'down the rabbit hole'.

'sneaking down the halls' made me think that 'we' met at college, but the
imagery suggest younger. Might help to be a bit clearer on when 'we met'.
If you're looking for things to cut, I'd suggest the lines from
Skipping past the thorny hedgerows,
to
and float down rainbows when we drop.

and everything that follows
you climb out of the rabbit hole
It would make for a much stronger ending.


Hope this is of some use.




Best, Knot.




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