Neverland

[UselessBlueprint]

First, a big thanks for the feedback you've given elsewhere. Here's my go, just some occasional line critiques and extra commentary. Pardon my long delay, schedule has been a bit whacked lately.

We met hidden under covers, 

sheltered in the dark

 and crawled towards each other

to escape our treasured mothers.

Hopeless haunting spoilers // mild alliteration, H is a voiceless and aspirated so it doesn't stand out

of our futures, already misjudged.

Our mother’s cries vibrating // interesting choice, "vibrating"

from every surface that they touch.

In pain, the shadows of her past

surround the virtuous.

Too much to bear for infant minds,

the madness of her love.

 

We built a beautiful bubble // more noticeable alliteration

that only we could see.

We built a world—a universe

where only we could be. // first four lines of S2 are a bit cliche

Every night, sneaking down the halls,

we come for one another.

Only us two left awake,

the perfect time for our escape.

‘Come on, let’s go!’, no longer alone

 and finally off, the covers thrown.

Down the rabbit hole we go,

hand-in-hand into the night.

Skipping past the thorny hedgerows,

quickly out of sight.

 

We run through fields of candy canes:

red and white and green. // is this necessary as a standalone line, or is it implied by the above candy canes

We rush through twinkling fireflies,

and swim through lakes of cream.

Tumbling, rolling strawberry hills

that seem to never end.

We climb up trees that have no tops, // now there's a sudden shift to children's book rhyme with an occasional break

and float down rainbows when we drop.

 

We promise things by starlight

and as we slide down snowy flights,

we yell out ‘you and me against the world!’ with all our little might.

Grey mist clouds dance with glee

across horizons we can’t see.

I clasp your hand and pull you on,

whistling a childish song.

 

How time outside the bubble goes,

in Neverland, we cannot know. // The change from "can't" above to "cannot" here was too noticeable.

But one day, tranquil by a lake of rainbow fish, we sit and wait.

I look over, and in your gleaming eyes, the stormy shadows slowly rise.

‘Don’t look!’ I gasp, but you don’t move— and that’s the moment when I knew.

 

I run back through our firefly forest,

over our strawberry hills and on,

and all the way through Neverland,

back to the place where it all began.

The entrance to our bubble world,

a doorway made of twirls and swirls.

Your bedroom, on the other side,

I leave the doorway open wide.

 

I pull the covers off your bed

and see three pillows lying, dead. // I hope this comma was intentionally placed. It's creates a great duality to the line.

I stand in awe, a trick, a stooge,

and every ounce of trust disproved.

How long have you been gone, my friend?

In who else’s world do you pretend?

 

Collapsed and heaving,

shaking and seething.

Convulsed upon your bedroom floor,

I never even heard you leaving.

My stomach churns and eyes burn,

frozen, dreading what I’m hearing.

Heavy footsteps growing nearer,

you climb out of the rabbit hole, and then sincerely

 

you say, ‘What’s wrong?’ with no expression.

The voice that always sounds like heaven.

I place my hand upon your chest,

the lack of warmth I do detest.

I lift your shirt up as I must,

to see that to my own disgust:

screws and bolts and webs and dust

replace your heart, and break my trust.

The more personal a poem is, the harder it can be for others to enjoy it. You paint some clear images, but the beginning of the poem is quite wordy.
The end of the poem suddenly rhymes, some of which is actually quite good, but some rhymes are very forced.
Some will say that centered alignment is out of style and has little place in modern poetry, but I don't care much Style need not be dictated to you. It may reflect on public image, eventually. I think left alignment is easier to read, but not by so much that it makes other alignments a burden.

There's two main barriers to anyone who wants to read this poem, however.
1. Length -- the poem is long enough to intimidate a reader. You may want to consider shortening it.
2. Consistency -- Given the amount of work that I'm sure went into this, cutting out parts of the poem may seem hard. It was much easier to read in the second half, when a more consistent rhyme and rhythm appeared. If they entire poem had that, perhaps mixing in a refrain, the poem would be much more readable, in my opinion.