She Said.

[Knot]

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Hi WoW,
there's some nice storytelling once you get beyond the first verse and I'd
suggest working on developing verses two and three.

You could keep the opening two lines - they set the scene economically
- and then go straight into verse two. Though you'd ideally want to
rework 'stood still' and 'froze like a sighted deer' as they both seem to
mean the same thing.

The morning came, he sat parked up
as he'd done each day for months,
outside, he saw someone watching
and froze ...
She walked to the window - you could add some description of 'her' here,
age, dress,how did she walk, etc? Why did she feel safe to approach him?
and tapped, you ok?
He was anything but, this was clear.
- not sure you need 'this was clear', her asking makes the point already.
She asked him if he wanted to walk,
It’d be good to get some air.
He talked to her of his last few months,
Understating the despair. Fooling no-one


I think you need to give the reader more of his story, otherwise the
ending lacks the power it needs.


Hope this helps.


Best, Knot




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