Rhys

[Knot]

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Hi hopeelizabeth,
I rather like this, but I find the form and erratic punctuation really off-putting. I don't think it either helps the piece.
I'm with Quix in advocating for stanzas over block. Two things do have me absolutely baffled though: "with feigned,
knees" (a semantic issue) and "as just one of their dithering dears" (possibly a syntactical issue).
Purely out of curiosity, has 'smile please' overtaken 'cheer up (love) it'll never happen'?

If you'll forgive the presumption …


Rhys (not sure that this really does enough)



Smile please - the familiar entreaty
of old men on the street.
Rage erodes our carefully painted faces,
that endless devotion, interrupted
with regular creases buried
in and in by reluctant concessions
of basic human need (should 'of' be 'to' ?)
for, a currency of, reciprocation.

I thought it was so clever of Jean Rhys-
I pictured her: furs dulled
by the same condescension,
dolling out builder’s tea
with feigned, knees,
to pass the traffic lights
without one’s confidence
being frayed further -
‘There’s a hole in your tights.’
Damn! A desire so strong
as just one of the dithering dears,
to smash their faces in - just once,
with a bottle.

But smoke curled around his features (just curious, where does the smoke come from?)
and dabbed at reality so pleasingly,
lamp-light incisions pronounced
my bone structure, stroked my self
-image, so generous - yet subtly,
I didn’t even shudder;

so profanely flattered
that here I am in my own flat,
alone, stupid and hammered.


Best, Knot.




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