09-01-2019, 08:28 AM
I’m desperate and awkward…Don’t know what an ellipsis is meant to do here.
to make you feel loved
and to make you love me, eliminating ‘and’ improves the rhythm of the line and eliminates a bit of wordiness
I speak generally because Do you mean you speak in general terms or you’re speaking - generally - to everyone?
I want to include everyone,
I feel excluded - inside -I think ‘feeling inside’ is redundant. Can one feel excluded outside?
from optimum interaction, perhaps something less technical
I never say much.
Is it my fault? If the reader subconsciously answers ‘yes’, it might destroy what you’re trying for in the poem. This line adds nothing to it, to me.
I wish you could hear me,
everything I have to say, Would flow better, imo, as one non-religious sentence: I wish you could hear everything I have to say
I wish you would talk to me,
I’d be glad to listen,
I’ve thrown tantrums to hear your whispers,
to hear you,
I’d be glad.
All the Is get tedious
Please look at me
and say what I want to hear,
say that sentence I’ve heard What sentence? I can think of various possibilities here.
in my dreams, cliche’d
say it to me in full,
don’t stop until every millilitre
is out of the bottle.
I’d be glad to listen,
I’ll save your lips,
without you I’d be silence,
without your spit’s mist
clearing my mind. Over the top
Say it to me,
that crouching statement in the reeds,
let it meet my needs.
The poem has nothing that attracts me as a reader - no epiphany, no interesting imagery or description, no clever or interesting use of the language, doesn’t make me feel. Just a pathetic voice (narrator’s voice) whining for attention of someone the reader never gets any feel of. Why is the object of the narrator’s attention interesting, or worthy? Why should we feel any sympathy for a narrator that seems to have done nothing about the situation other than whine/beg?
to make you feel loved
and to make you love me, eliminating ‘and’ improves the rhythm of the line and eliminates a bit of wordiness
I speak generally because Do you mean you speak in general terms or you’re speaking - generally - to everyone?
I want to include everyone,
I feel excluded - inside -I think ‘feeling inside’ is redundant. Can one feel excluded outside?
from optimum interaction, perhaps something less technical
I never say much.
Is it my fault? If the reader subconsciously answers ‘yes’, it might destroy what you’re trying for in the poem. This line adds nothing to it, to me.
I wish you could hear me,
everything I have to say, Would flow better, imo, as one non-religious sentence: I wish you could hear everything I have to say
I wish you would talk to me,
I’d be glad to listen,
I’ve thrown tantrums to hear your whispers,
to hear you,
I’d be glad.
All the Is get tedious
Please look at me
and say what I want to hear,
say that sentence I’ve heard What sentence? I can think of various possibilities here.
in my dreams, cliche’d
say it to me in full,
don’t stop until every millilitre
is out of the bottle.
I’d be glad to listen,
I’ll save your lips,
without you I’d be silence,
without your spit’s mist
clearing my mind. Over the top
Say it to me,
that crouching statement in the reeds,
let it meet my needs.
The poem has nothing that attracts me as a reader - no epiphany, no interesting imagery or description, no clever or interesting use of the language, doesn’t make me feel. Just a pathetic voice (narrator’s voice) whining for attention of someone the reader never gets any feel of. Why is the object of the narrator’s attention interesting, or worthy? Why should we feel any sympathy for a narrator that seems to have done nothing about the situation other than whine/beg?
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot