08-21-2019, 08:19 AM
I think we sometimes attempt to sound ‘poetic’, which can get in the way of comprehension for the reader. The poet has so much in their mind, the references seem crystal clear. But often the reader hasn’t the same thoughts in mind. The poet has to put them there, in a clear manner. For example, I have no idea what a heartbeat at a shadow means. Sounds cool, but I’m not comprehending.
I like the image of ‘walking by to end a terrestrial affair’. That I can connect with.
Waiting for a star to shoot up - reminds me of a space launch, which brings a nice ending about. But stars don’t shoot in space, and then you talk about an icy planet in transit. which is it? Perhaps stick to one image throughout. It’s either a star or an icy planet you’re describing. Less confusing that way.
‘Celestial manger’ and setting it’s feet to earth seem to have a Bethlehem connection, to me.
Just my thoughts
I like the image of ‘walking by to end a terrestrial affair’. That I can connect with.
Waiting for a star to shoot up - reminds me of a space launch, which brings a nice ending about. But stars don’t shoot in space, and then you talk about an icy planet in transit. which is it? Perhaps stick to one image throughout. It’s either a star or an icy planet you’re describing. Less confusing that way.
‘Celestial manger’ and setting it’s feet to earth seem to have a Bethlehem connection, to me.
Just my thoughts
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot