08-02-2019, 08:14 PM
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Hi FM,
I think there's a really solid idea here, but it gets a bit lost in the mixing of metaphors (flames 'burn', 'whisper' and 'brew'?) and the 'poor' word choices ('privacy' and 'forum' leap to mind but there's also 'circled' and 'pirouettes' which I'm not sure can be 'lazy'). That said, there's the excellent 'naive skin' and 'lulling rhythm of my hips' (though I think 'lulling' could be improved, it sounds terrible
when spoken aloud. Very lumpen.)
You might consider, since you repeat the opening verse at the end, scrapping the first two verses entirely and jumping straight in at S3 (though it would need reworking).
Anyway, this is basic, so I'll stop there.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.
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Hi FM,
I think there's a really solid idea here, but it gets a bit lost in the mixing of metaphors (flames 'burn', 'whisper' and 'brew'?) and the 'poor' word choices ('privacy' and 'forum' leap to mind but there's also 'circled' and 'pirouettes' which I'm not sure can be 'lazy'). That said, there's the excellent 'naive skin' and 'lulling rhythm of my hips' (though I think 'lulling' could be improved, it sounds terrible
when spoken aloud. Very lumpen.)You might consider, since you repeat the opening verse at the end, scrapping the first two verses entirely and jumping straight in at S3 (though it would need reworking).
Anyway, this is basic, so I'll stop there.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.
.