07-29-2019, 01:38 AM
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Hi CRNDLSM,
I hope this doesn't come across as a kicking when you're down, but ...
If you're looking for further feedback then ...
If not STOP NOW
As I said before, I'm not clear just what it is N does (perhaps this has got lost during the
process of disguising your 'real experience'. Is a 'dog house' a 'hot-dog house'?)
Nor, if he 'loves his work', why he does. In S1/L1 N makes that claim, but there seems
little evidence of this in the pace - No one said this was supposed to be fun (S2) - and the
last line of S1 drips with irony/sarcasm. Throughout there's a long list of complaints/
hardships but no real joy.
As a reader, what reason do I have for investing in N? By the end, the only thing I learn
is that he/she is dead (which was predictable). It would be interesting to drop some of
the other characters/complaints and present a fuller picture of N.
Would it be possible to give each verse a title? So, S2 becomes Tommy and S3 Chica & Rico.
Speaking of which. The syntax in S3 seems particularly tortured, so I had a go (and despite not
being sure who was transitioning, and in what direction) ... just something to consider (and
dismiss out of hand
)
Chica & Rico
No one said this was supposed to be fun,
then Rico and Chica arrive, same time:
not fresh off the boat, not in their prime,
but beggars can't whatnot. So, two for one.
But next day, Go directly to Jail. Gun
found in her glove box, carrying's a crime
with her record. Him, he ain't got a dime
for bail. Fate. Charges dropped for possession,
so she's back at work in a week. I know.
Next, they're lying about doctor's visits.
Sweet Rico "supports her transition"
the problem's the name that his ID showed
ain't matching her check. Yes. I fix it
and I won't quit until the job is done.
But, now, looking at it on the page (with the subtitle) I'm wondering if it could be rewritten but
from the perspective of either Chica or Rico? The first line sounds like something either could say,
and the end line could be attributed back to the original N. Though this may be a bit toomuch of
a scorched earth approach.
Anyway, hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
.
Hi CRNDLSM,
I hope this doesn't come across as a kicking when you're down, but ...
If you're looking for further feedback then ...
If not STOP NOW
As I said before, I'm not clear just what it is N does (perhaps this has got lost during the
process of disguising your 'real experience'. Is a 'dog house' a 'hot-dog house'?)
Nor, if he 'loves his work', why he does. In S1/L1 N makes that claim, but there seems
little evidence of this in the pace - No one said this was supposed to be fun (S2) - and the
last line of S1 drips with irony/sarcasm. Throughout there's a long list of complaints/
hardships but no real joy.
As a reader, what reason do I have for investing in N? By the end, the only thing I learn
is that he/she is dead (which was predictable). It would be interesting to drop some of
the other characters/complaints and present a fuller picture of N.
Would it be possible to give each verse a title? So, S2 becomes Tommy and S3 Chica & Rico.
Speaking of which. The syntax in S3 seems particularly tortured, so I had a go (and despite not
being sure who was transitioning, and in what direction) ... just something to consider (and
dismiss out of hand
)Chica & Rico
No one said this was supposed to be fun,
then Rico and Chica arrive, same time:
not fresh off the boat, not in their prime,
but beggars can't whatnot. So, two for one.
But next day, Go directly to Jail. Gun
found in her glove box, carrying's a crime
with her record. Him, he ain't got a dime
for bail. Fate. Charges dropped for possession,
so she's back at work in a week. I know.
Next, they're lying about doctor's visits.
Sweet Rico "supports her transition"
the problem's the name that his ID showed
ain't matching her check. Yes. I fix it
and I won't quit until the job is done.
But, now, looking at it on the page (with the subtitle) I'm wondering if it could be rewritten but
from the perspective of either Chica or Rico? The first line sounds like something either could say,
and the end line could be attributed back to the original N. Though this may be a bit toomuch of
a scorched earth approach.
Anyway, hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
.