From NaPM (edited)

[billy]

In a suburbia of firsts, make this line the title
my room's on a second
floor. Its window faces west.  don't be too clever with the enjambment; the last line can be the clever one. move floor up. [ a suggestion]
Evenings I climb

down stairs my parents
are too old to climb, the sun is [are ] needed?
burns through even the thickest  move burns up

curtain as it descends, move curtain up
its blinding heat a sea
swallowing the east. these two lines work really well, solid [S's]

The world ends 
everywhere
for everyone: the old
and the unproven.

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still untitled, pls help
also is it as good as i think it is? my mind sort of can't get over it nothing's ever as good as we thing

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second ps: i wouldn't have posted this in the critical fora, but i would still have done critique (as well as posted in potd) had not my laptop gone broke again, dangit