A Dead Man’s Poem

[abu nuwas]

the problem i have with the poem is the way it feels disjointed. for me it wanders too much and because of this, i'm struggling to critique as one piec, all i can do is pick a couple of line here and a couple of lines there throughout the piece. i wish i could contiue but i'm struggling because i don't have the critiquing skills to give an honest response.

[quote="Oden Prufrock" pid='246319' dateline='1562312057']
Dead Man’s Poem

Sound’s ephemerality:personally i'd put this above a line spacing, ephe
sweet graveside singing. i like this as an opening line, we now know it's about a dead man but i would alter the title so this good line is redundant.
Deceased, stone vitality
reverberates the ringing. this line after deceased loses me.
A choir of crying crickets
click in the dark thicket nice couplet
raining tears of pitches
washing away the grey picture. what grey picture, i haven't seen anything pertaining to the grey picture.
Black and white youth:
decomposing sinew.

A silent, grateful ode
lost in the cracking of bones.

Worms churn buttery bodies,
erupting tendrils squirm,
young ones ask, "Where's Wally?"
red and white turned to dirt.
Bodies stay baby-still
to the knelling of the bells,
widows weep, sons still
the unspoken word: a spell:
necromantic static
as deep as a well.

A silent, grateful ode
lost in the cracking of bones.

CRRRRRR-
ackalackadacking
flutey skeleton,
“I never touched a celibate.
Life, I was content with it.”
Xylophone bones,
Jamaican vibes,
“We all go alone,
even Bob Marley died.”
Fiesta la vida!
Un poco loco!
“For you to think,
I would still want to blink…”
Coconut milk dribs,
empty satisfied ribs,
“I speak through the dust,
eternity is death.”

The deceased stone vitality reverberating the ringing just emphasised its emptiness (the ringing is the echo from the singing) and is more of a metaphor. The grey picture could be anything, I left that open for interpretation as possibly the scene itself or a funeral picture. I might continue it to give the ending more oomph what do you think?
[/quot


I am not a very good critic. I do believe that one should give reasons for liking, or disliking something, and have no objection to the writer responding, appropristely. I also believe in candour. 

As far as I can see, in this case, not one suggestion has been half-accepted , and so, I cannot see much point in adding my tuppence ha'penny worth, save to suggest, that ,as in many cases, it may be that it would benefit from being shortened by half, while at the same time, making it less dense. Poetry need not -should not - be a cross-word, but should shine light on what was obscure, instead of making unclear what was clear. 

The thing should stand on its own merits. The more referential it is, the less likely it is to hook its readers. It is vain to complain that the reader does not understand some literary technique, especially if that depends on their having read some particular thing, such as Prufrock, as well-known as it might be to those of an older generation.  Can I expect readers to get little hints at Catullus or Maro or Horace, or Ovid? Aelfric, Verlaine, Barthes, Aragon? Lope de Vega? Calderon and Schiller? 'Banjp' Paterson?   

One, perhaps more helpful, thing: I frequently feel, because it is such easy trap to fall into, that really, there are the makings of what ought to be two good poems, but they have been rammed into one, simply because, after beginning, some rather wizard line or idea floats into the mind, and it seems irresistible to insert it.  So, even if this is left, perhaps the writer will sometime mine it for another one - but not with 'blink/think' forced rhymes. 

It is not Baudelaire, but there is the occasional beginning of an attractive mood, cut short by what seems to me, perhaps unfairly, a desire for more density, even at the expense of clarity. Yes, I am sure unfair!


In the workshops, the focus needs to be 100% about the poem.  Only the poem is up for review.  The author’s actions, attitudes, etc are not up for review.  All comments of a personal nature or advice would  be more appropriately communicated via pm or in a discussion or arse thread.   Thank you, Quix