A Dead Man’s Poem

[Oden Prufrock]

the problem i have with the poem is the way it feels disjointed. for me it wanders too much and because of this, i'm struggling to critique as one piec, all i can do is pick a couple of line here and a couple of lines there throughout the piece. i wish i could contiue but i'm struggling because i don't have the critiquing skills to give an honest response.

Dead Man’s Poem

Sound’s ephemerality:personally i'd put this above a line spacing, ephe
sweet graveside singing. i like this as an opening line, we now know it's about a dead man but i would alter the title so this good line is redundant.
Deceased, stone vitality
reverberates the ringing. this line after deceased loses me.
A choir of crying crickets
click in the dark thicket nice couplet
raining tears of pitches
washing away the grey picture. what grey picture, i haven't seen anything pertaining to the grey picture.
Black and white youth:
decomposing sinew.

A silent, grateful ode
lost in the cracking of bones.

Worms churn buttery bodies,
erupting tendrils squirm,
young ones ask, "Where's Wally?"
red and white turned to dirt.
Bodies stay baby-still
to the knelling of the bells,
widows weep, sons still
the unspoken word: a spell:
necromantic static
as deep as a well.

A silent, grateful ode
lost in the cracking of bones.

CRRRRRR-
ackalackadacking
flutey skeleton,
“I never touched a celibate.
Life, I was content with it.”
Xylophone bones,
Jamaican vibes,
“We all go alone,
even Bob Marley died.”
Fiesta la vida!
Un poco loco!
“For you to think,
I would still want to blink…”
Coconut milk dribs,
empty satisfied ribs,
“I speak through the dust,
eternity is death.”

The deceased stone vitality reverberating the ringing just emphasised its emptiness (the ringing is the echo from the singing) and is more of a metaphor. The grey picture could be anything, I left that open for interpretation as possibly the scene itself or a funeral picture. I might continue it to give the ending more oomph what do you think?