A Dead Man’s Poem

[billy]

the problem i have with the poem is the way it feels disjointed. for me it wanders too much and because of this, i'm struggling to critique as one piec, all i can do is pick a couple of line here and a couple of lines there throughout the piece. i wish i could contiue but i'm struggling because i don't have the critiquing skills to give an honest response.

Dead Man’s Poem

Sound’s ephemerality:personally i'd put this above a line spacing, ephe
sweet graveside singing. i like this as an opening line, we now know it's about a dead man but i would alter the title so this good line is redundant.
Deceased, stone vitality
reverberates the ringing. this line after deceased loses me.
A choir of crying crickets
click in the dark thicket nice couplet
raining tears of pitches
washing away the grey picture. what grey picture, i haven't seen anything pertaining to the grey picture.
Black and white youth:
decomposing sinew.

A silent, grateful ode
lost in the cracking of bones.

Worms churn buttery bodies,
erupting tendrils squirm,
young ones ask, "Where's Wally?"
red and white turned to dirt.
Bodies stay baby-still
to the knelling of the bells,
widows weep, sons still
the unspoken word: a spell:
necromantic static
as deep as a well.

A silent, grateful ode
lost in the cracking of bones.

CRRRRRR-
ackalackadacking
flutey skeleton,
“I never touched a celibate.
Life, I was content with it.”
Xylophone bones,
Jamaican vibes,
“We all go alone,
even Bob Marley died.”
Fiesta la vida!
Un poco loco!
“For you to think,
I would still want to blink…”
Coconut milk dribs,
empty satisfied ribs,
“I speak through the dust,
eternity is death.”