07-20-2019, 10:23 PM
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Hi nozaki,
like the idea, but I agree with billy about the excess and repetition,
and duke about the images (the title and the opening stanza) which
aren't reflected or developed in the rest of the poem. The repeating
of 'end' in two such prominent lines is also a weakness, for me.
Just a suggestion ...
we stare at anything but each other.
two almost-adults grasping
because the puff puff pass
that has come to be
left us
"the end of an era," you finally say.
In a different age, in a different life;
if you weren't so laissez faire
and i wasn't so complicated
-- i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy.
Best, Knot.
.
Hi nozaki,
like the idea, but I agree with billy about the excess and repetition,
and duke about the images (the title and the opening stanza) which
aren't reflected or developed in the rest of the poem. The repeating
of 'end' in two such prominent lines is also a weakness, for me.
Just a suggestion ...
we stare at anything but each other.
two almost-adults grasping
because the puff puff pass
that has come to be
left us
"the end of an era," you finally say.
In a different age, in a different life;
if you weren't so laissez faire
and i wasn't so complicated
-- i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy.
Best, Knot.
.