Hi nozaki. first off after a few reads i'd mention excess words/baggage/verbiage/repetition that adds nothing.
small words like and and but often get overused. repetition can something be see as the same thing said in a different way. it's generally best to be as concise as possible while being as comprehensive as possible sometimes we need a bit of baggage, it's always the poets choice that count so take what i show as just suggestion.
are the two [the's] needed? is [tonight] needed; can we already ascertain it's tonight by reading the other words? is the [and] needed
an example below:
the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other.
here's what it would look like paired down
stars struggle against clouds
awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other.
like i say the choices are always yours but have a think about pairing down and see what you think re the poem.
i enjoyed the lost intimacy of the poem the setting worked well if a little wordy. doesn't need much of an edit, just a short trim, thanks for the read.
small words like and and but often get overused. repetition can something be see as the same thing said in a different way. it's generally best to be as concise as possible while being as comprehensive as possible sometimes we need a bit of baggage, it's always the poets choice that count so take what i show as just suggestion.
are the two [the's] needed? is [tonight] needed; can we already ascertain it's tonight by reading the other words? is the [and] needed
an example below:
the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other.
here's what it would look like paired down
stars struggle against clouds
awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other.
like i say the choices are always yours but have a think about pairing down and see what you think re the poem.
i enjoyed the lost intimacy of the poem the setting worked well if a little wordy. doesn't need much of an edit, just a short trim, thanks for the read.
(07-17-2019, 09:44 AM)nozaki Wrote: the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other. the opening needs to be tighter, you want to hold the reader.
--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined i like this line and i like it's line spacing. this is serious
two almost-adults grasping for adult words, this is a solid line and this triplet would open the poem really well, the opening triple would the then become the second triplet. [just an idea]
because the puff puff pass that has come
to be our language can no longer describe
"the end of an era," you finally say. i like how you dissect the situation.
--in a different age, in a different life no need for [in]
--if you weren't so laissez faire italicize laissez faire to show language change.
--and i wasn't so complicated
i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy. what's with a couplet , personally i'd lose the second line and there by make the single first line more powerful.
we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes.
only a twisted thick acknowledgment e after g
of the history that has come to pass through us.