07-18-2019, 05:12 AM
the stars struggle against the clouds tonight
and awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other.
This is how I would read it. Although there are various ways to put it.
--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined
The thing about punctuation, either use it or don't, if you invent your own, well it is annoying to all who don't need your invention.
two almost-adults grasping for adult words,
because the puff puff pass that has come
to be our language can no longer describe
You could say puff-puff-pass to give it a more train-like look.
"the end of an era," you finally say.
You could use italics instead of "..."
--in a different age, in a different life
--if you weren't so laissez faire
--and i wasn't so complicated
Liassez-faire has become an English expression as well as French, so no need for italics. To be correcto/perfecto you need the hyphen.
i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy.
we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes.
only a twisted thick acknowledgment
of the history that has come to pass through us.
to flourish is to fall, dust before the wind
The last verse feels a bit old fashioned as if you had to conclude an argument, it doesn't add anything. Also it is in meter so the tone of the poem has changed slightly. Leave the poem without it. It ends well on 'happy'.
The opening lines are the best.
good luck
Ross
and awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other.
This is how I would read it. Although there are various ways to put it.
--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined
The thing about punctuation, either use it or don't, if you invent your own, well it is annoying to all who don't need your invention.
two almost-adults grasping for adult words,
because the puff puff pass that has come
to be our language can no longer describe
You could say puff-puff-pass to give it a more train-like look.
"the end of an era," you finally say.
You could use italics instead of "..."
--in a different age, in a different life
--if you weren't so laissez faire
--and i wasn't so complicated
Liassez-faire has become an English expression as well as French, so no need for italics. To be correcto/perfecto you need the hyphen.
i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy.
we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes.
only a twisted thick acknowledgment
of the history that has come to pass through us.
to flourish is to fall, dust before the wind
The last verse feels a bit old fashioned as if you had to conclude an argument, it doesn't add anything. Also it is in meter so the tone of the poem has changed slightly. Leave the poem without it. It ends well on 'happy'.
The opening lines are the best.
good luck
Ross