07-15-2019, 05:35 AM
falls on your hair like on a field
of what’s flaxen in Tuscany
The syntax here is awkward, it's too condensed.
from the murk where where cranes are wailing,
The double 'where' seems to be a typo.
wheeling in the frozen depths.
This metaphor seems a bit weird, is this the reference to Dante? Since 'cranes' is ambiguous it needs to work for both the bird and the machine.
light up the sea, on a boat some boys.
I would say 'lighting', it flows better and is more acceptable grammar.
the green ocean glints in their eyes....
They leap into a tidy sea,
Best lines for me.
I also agree the title needs to be changed. It's an interesting poem, the combination of dream and dreamy landscapes works for me. I don't think you need any references. The poem is not obscure.
hope this helps
Ross
of what’s flaxen in Tuscany
The syntax here is awkward, it's too condensed.
from the murk where where cranes are wailing,
The double 'where' seems to be a typo.
wheeling in the frozen depths.
This metaphor seems a bit weird, is this the reference to Dante? Since 'cranes' is ambiguous it needs to work for both the bird and the machine.
light up the sea, on a boat some boys.
I would say 'lighting', it flows better and is more acceptable grammar.
the green ocean glints in their eyes....
They leap into a tidy sea,
Best lines for me.
I also agree the title needs to be changed. It's an interesting poem, the combination of dream and dreamy landscapes works for me. I don't think you need any references. The poem is not obscure.
hope this helps
Ross