07-14-2019, 09:22 AM
Hi Richard,
To die with the heart intact,
to live as if all is possible.
Lights flash in all colours 'possible'
zigzagging or starred out like fireworks.-I've read this stanza numerous times, and it just makes me think of someone flat-lining in the hospital and all the machines going crazy with lights. Maybe saying what kind of light is flashing, might help clarify the meaning here.
Zigzaging refers to lightening, starred out to any light that's powerful. It's probably a bit too random.
Send me seeking some sort of redemption, -Maybe give a specific image or example instead of just saying "redemption".
locked in a memory stick
or with a nude in a garden. -I like the imagery here. However, I am not a fan of the repetition of "send me" because you already used it as your title. Think about rewording this stanza so it says more or the less the same thing, but with different wording. Or at least, think about giving the piece a different title to avoid overusing the words "send me".
The imagery is an ironic reference to redemption.
To give something back, small tokens,
bottle tops shaped like the past. -I like the image of the "bottle tops". However, is there anyway you can connect it to the the relationship in the last stanza more? You could use it to build up to the kissing in the next stanza.
The bottle tops symbolise beer drinking at the parties.
rock and roll careening -Maybe name a specific song instead of just "rock and roll"?
If I named a specific song it would not be a party where lots of songs were played.
What was kissing then
but an endless pleasure. -I like the image of the kissing, but feel like you need to build up to it more. I made a suggestion about one way to do that above.
The poem was written as two poems within a day of each other and I combined them. Hence it is not as linear as it could be.
I don't think much about titles. To me it's just a tag so you can find the poem again.
Thanks for your detailed comment. I think I should reverse it back to two poems, then it would seem less random.
Sorry about the small font, don't know why that is happening.
all the best
Ross
To die with the heart intact,
to live as if all is possible.
Lights flash in all colours 'possible'
zigzagging or starred out like fireworks.-I've read this stanza numerous times, and it just makes me think of someone flat-lining in the hospital and all the machines going crazy with lights. Maybe saying what kind of light is flashing, might help clarify the meaning here.
Zigzaging refers to lightening, starred out to any light that's powerful. It's probably a bit too random.
Send me seeking some sort of redemption, -Maybe give a specific image or example instead of just saying "redemption".
locked in a memory stick
or with a nude in a garden. -I like the imagery here. However, I am not a fan of the repetition of "send me" because you already used it as your title. Think about rewording this stanza so it says more or the less the same thing, but with different wording. Or at least, think about giving the piece a different title to avoid overusing the words "send me".
The imagery is an ironic reference to redemption.
To give something back, small tokens,
bottle tops shaped like the past. -I like the image of the "bottle tops". However, is there anyway you can connect it to the the relationship in the last stanza more? You could use it to build up to the kissing in the next stanza.
The bottle tops symbolise beer drinking at the parties.
rock and roll careening -Maybe name a specific song instead of just "rock and roll"?
If I named a specific song it would not be a party where lots of songs were played.
What was kissing then
but an endless pleasure. -I like the image of the kissing, but feel like you need to build up to it more. I made a suggestion about one way to do that above.
The poem was written as two poems within a day of each other and I combined them. Hence it is not as linear as it could be.
I don't think much about titles. To me it's just a tag so you can find the poem again.
Thanks for your detailed comment. I think I should reverse it back to two poems, then it would seem less random.
Sorry about the small font, don't know why that is happening.
all the best
Ross