Send Me

[Richard]

Hey churinga,
I like some of your imagery here. However, I would suggest rethinking some of your repetition. I'll go into more detail below:

To die with the heart intact,
to live as if all is possible.
Lights flash in all colours 'possible'
zigzagging or starred out like fireworks.-I've read this stanza numerous times, and it just makes me think of someone flat-lining in the hospital and all the machines going crazy with lights. Maybe saying what kind of light is flashing, might help clarify the meaning here. 

Send me September.
Send me oodles of noodles. -This line made me smile. Love the image.
Send me seeking some sort of redemption, -Maybe give a specific image or example instead of just saying "redemption".
locked in a memory stick
or with a nude in a garden. -I like the imagery here. However, I am not a fan of the repetition of "send me" because you already used it as your title. Think about rewording this stanza so it says more or the less the same thing, but with different wording. Or at least, think about giving the piece a different title to avoid overusing the words "send me".

To give something back, small tokens, 
bottle tops shaped like the past. -I like the image of the "bottle tops". However, is there anyway you can connect it to the the relationship in the last stanza more? You could use it to build up to the kissing in the next stanza.
Those bright hallways,
rock and roll careening -Maybe name a specific song instead of just "rock and roll"?
wall to wall, room to room.

What was kissing then 
but an endless pleasure. -I like the image of the kissing, but feel like you need to build up to it more. I made a suggestion about one way to do that above.
I know it's corny but it's true. 

Overall, I think this is a solid first draft, and I look forward to seeing where this piece goes from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard