07-11-2019, 11:09 PM
I have to echo this, and sorry for not being original in the critique, but just want to lend some credence to what you've said with a second voice. I also don't gravitate to concrete poetry, but I really liked this. There's a complexity to it that I don't always appreciate in concrete poems. Anyway, just to agree-- the caps do spoil the symmetry for me as well, I'd love to see how it looks without, the second "and" as mentioned, take it out it's going to make a wonderful improvement. But for me-- the "fare well" I loved. It has a hint of comic sarcasm, especially as sandwiched between the previous lines -- "Noones coming with me" -- are you disappointed or lonely? vs "And I wouldn't let them if they wanted" -- ah ha, you prefer to travel alone and let them be jealous and long to join in your adventure.
Well done from my perspective.
Well done from my perspective.
(06-23-2019, 07:00 PM)churinga Wrote: Not a big fan of concrete poetry but this is impressive.
I am not sure what the 'fare well' represents. You could show the flame somehow.
Also having caps for each line spoils the symmetry. Caps for every line is a dated poetic convention.
Some words could be eliminated from the poetry, the repetition of 'land', the use of outer space, not really very comic, the repetition of 'and' in the last part, the second 'and' is unnecessary.