07-10-2019, 10:23 PM
Death Is Unmoved I’m just seeing the title as a pun, unrelated to what the poem is actually saying
Hands folded, calmest they've ever been. first read, I took this to mean her hands. Second read I got it. Got the imagery of praying hands as well
That dead man's wife waits, IMO, this line isn’t needed for comprehension, if you indicate in L1 ‘his hands’
her eyes ruined long before the funeral.
Priest listlessly sprinkles dirt
on a coffin paid for years ago. This line, and the preceding, could provide more meaning and imagery with some changes in word choice. Something to imply the priest was a stranger. I’ve noted many funerals in which he official says, ‘I really didn’t know —————, but I got a good idea of him from talking to family.’ I think that applies in your piece
That night, dark as any other, Prefer ‘one night’ to ‘that night’, which sounds a bit over used to me. I like the sound of ‘one night’ better as well.
drunk kisses adorn a black dress, I don’t get how kisses ‘adorn’ a dress. Perhaps a definition of the word I’m not getting
her repeated, “oh god,” in the backseat, I think this needs to be presented in a fresher manner so it doesn’t come across cliche’d.
the truest prayer between two people.
Like the final line line, but I don’t see the first part of the poem leading up to the conclusion. I think you have a workable idea, but the presentation needs some re-thinking.
Hands folded, calmest they've ever been. first read, I took this to mean her hands. Second read I got it. Got the imagery of praying hands as well
That dead man's wife waits, IMO, this line isn’t needed for comprehension, if you indicate in L1 ‘his hands’
her eyes ruined long before the funeral.
Priest listlessly sprinkles dirt
on a coffin paid for years ago. This line, and the preceding, could provide more meaning and imagery with some changes in word choice. Something to imply the priest was a stranger. I’ve noted many funerals in which he official says, ‘I really didn’t know —————, but I got a good idea of him from talking to family.’ I think that applies in your piece
That night, dark as any other, Prefer ‘one night’ to ‘that night’, which sounds a bit over used to me. I like the sound of ‘one night’ better as well.
drunk kisses adorn a black dress, I don’t get how kisses ‘adorn’ a dress. Perhaps a definition of the word I’m not getting
her repeated, “oh god,” in the backseat, I think this needs to be presented in a fresher manner so it doesn’t come across cliche’d.
the truest prayer between two people.
Like the final line line, but I don’t see the first part of the poem leading up to the conclusion. I think you have a workable idea, but the presentation needs some re-thinking.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot