07-10-2019, 04:05 PM
That dead man's wife waits,
Sonically 'wife waits' is a little awkward. widow?
'That' is wrong,. 'The' would do.
drunk kisses adorn a black dress,
Who kisses a dress? This seems to be here to signal it is the widow. Drunken would give you a sonic connection to adorn, although it is a bit old fashioned. On second thoughts he could be kissing her dress as they are in a car. It suggests repression and guilt. Still something more carnal would be more dramatic.
the truest prayer between two people.
'truest' also seems hyperbole.
Lots to like here. Is the priest her lover?
cheers
Ross
Sonically 'wife waits' is a little awkward. widow?
'That' is wrong,. 'The' would do.
drunk kisses adorn a black dress,
Who kisses a dress? This seems to be here to signal it is the widow. Drunken would give you a sonic connection to adorn, although it is a bit old fashioned. On second thoughts he could be kissing her dress as they are in a car. It suggests repression and guilt. Still something more carnal would be more dramatic.
the truest prayer between two people.
'truest' also seems hyperbole.
Lots to like here. Is the priest her lover?
cheers
Ross