Comparing - edit

[Knot]

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Hi duke,
definite improvement, but I think S2 is simply overwritten,
you could cut L5-9 and lose nothing in terms of meaning.


I think you could switch 'commanders' for 'officers'
(or should it be 'our commanders'?)
Not convinced that the order of 'deductions' works as well
as it might.
have less deducted, more time in grade, no
garnishes for alimony or for
debt, have served for longer, earned extra pay
for special skills, not forgetting taxes.
Since ...


The final couplet is reads a little awkwardly (to me), maybe
So as you stand beside my bier don't try
comparing what was mine with what you got
cos it don't matter, when all's said and done
both slips say Life and (Exemptions): None.




Best, Knot




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