Comparing - edit

[Seraphim]

Much nicer - more readable - by my way of thinking. Only one suggestion.

not sunny days or friendship, joy or fame,
not suffering, dismissal, pain, or grief
get added up by some celestial clerk;

I understand what you’re saying, but it took me a couple of seconds. Maybe changing the ‘not’s would clear up what the reader expects next...

neither sunny days or friendship, joy or fame,
nor suffering, dismissal, pain, or grief
get added up by some celestial clerk;

Then again, maybe it’s just me. Good work.