07-06-2019, 01:21 PM
“A myriad of players” is a bit vague because I got the sense it was either a video game or a soccer game and there were players on the screen; you need to define the players’ position in this image.
I was thinking of both sports players but also actors and foreign movies/tv series.
“Cold as the blue” is weak and is impacting the validity of your use of simple language up until this point.
I did have 'cold as blue' blue being a cold colour in painting parlance. I may go back to that, 'the blue' seemed more flowing and I was thinking of the line 'into the blue again' from the song, its reference to jetsetting. Also 'the blue' in Australia is the deep water beyond the surf. It also can mean a fight or arguement. I didn't mean 'blue eyes'.
“There’s music in the hubbub of a bar” is a boring line due to it telling and not showing.
I think hubbub is not just telling but is onomataopoeiac.
For the image of the bus stop seat wouldn’t you want to contrast that to the hubbub in the bar instead of having music liven it up creating an awkward image and not repeating the contrast in prior lines between golden light and eyes of blue?
The music is everyday sounds, eg traffic, conversation, a 'bar' in Australia is a pub, no music, just people talking.
Message at the end is TOO vague and doesn’t effectively wrap up the themes and emotions of the poem, you’ve discussed.
The poem originally ended on' fast.' It seemed abrupt so I added the last verse. Maybe a mistake. The poem was also more conversational, polishing may've subverted the style I was going for.
Thanks for the detailed crit Oden.
Cheers
Ross.
I was thinking of both sports players but also actors and foreign movies/tv series.
“Cold as the blue” is weak and is impacting the validity of your use of simple language up until this point.
I did have 'cold as blue' blue being a cold colour in painting parlance. I may go back to that, 'the blue' seemed more flowing and I was thinking of the line 'into the blue again' from the song, its reference to jetsetting. Also 'the blue' in Australia is the deep water beyond the surf. It also can mean a fight or arguement. I didn't mean 'blue eyes'.
“There’s music in the hubbub of a bar” is a boring line due to it telling and not showing.
I think hubbub is not just telling but is onomataopoeiac.
For the image of the bus stop seat wouldn’t you want to contrast that to the hubbub in the bar instead of having music liven it up creating an awkward image and not repeating the contrast in prior lines between golden light and eyes of blue?
The music is everyday sounds, eg traffic, conversation, a 'bar' in Australia is a pub, no music, just people talking.
Message at the end is TOO vague and doesn’t effectively wrap up the themes and emotions of the poem, you’ve discussed.
The poem originally ended on' fast.' It seemed abrupt so I added the last verse. Maybe a mistake. The poem was also more conversational, polishing may've subverted the style I was going for.
Thanks for the detailed crit Oden.
Cheers
Ross.