07-06-2019, 03:07 AM
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Hi duke,
considering the title took me straight to 'invidious comparison',
so ...maybe 'Envy' ... Or 'Choose you Battles'?
'Less deducted' might be saved with a different enjambment.
When I was soldiering they used to say,
- agree with Seraphim about 'they'. Alternatively,
.....................................we'd be told,
"Don't compare ..." '?
“Never compare your paycheck
with the guy standing next to you.”
What they meant was he might have less
deducted, taxes, sort of thing
- Not sure' sort of thing' adds anything. Maybe 'no dependents'?
Have you seen this the Army.pdf ?
https://www.dfas.mil/militarymembers/pay...utpay.html
deducted, fewer dependents, allotments,
or more time in grade, been serving longer
more time in grade, years prior service, or
- wouldn't all the years be 'prior'?
incentive pay for hazardous pursuits.
- not buying 'pursuits'. Too flip. 'Duty'?
(Is 'incentive pay' a thing? As opposed to, say, a combat bonus?)
Since inequality seeds envy, they,
- why 'seeds' rather than 'breeds'?
with discipline and unity in mind,
suggested we stay ignorant and blind.
- again, agree about 'remain'. Would the army 'suggest' ?
And why not rephrase this and put it in speech marks like the
'paycheck' section? (And possibly do the same with whatever
you settle on as examples of what they 'deserve').
That’s long ago, now, but to set aside
- I'm lost by the combination of 'now, but'
Command’s self-serving motives, there remains
a core of wisdom in their cold advice
because nobody gets what he deserves–
not length of days, nor friendship, joy, or fame,
not suffering, ignominy, and grief
- I think you lose the voice with this list.
(Cowards live, brave men die ... ?)
are toted up by some celestial clerk;
nor do our deeds impel a cosmic wheel
that brings around comeuppance or reward.
- and again with the 'celestial clerk/cosmic wheel'.
So as you stand beside my bier don’t try
comparing all I got with what you have.
- maybe switch this,
comparing what I got with all you have. ?
or should it have been
comparing all I had with what you got ?
Our pay stubs will be equal when we’re done:
for item, “Lives,” the number’s always “one.”
- not quite as much punch as it should have, I think.
Best, Knot.
.
Hi duke,
considering the title took me straight to 'invidious comparison',
so ...maybe 'Envy' ... Or 'Choose you Battles'?
'Less deducted' might be saved with a different enjambment.
When I was soldiering they used to say,
- agree with Seraphim about 'they'. Alternatively,
.....................................we'd be told,
"Don't compare ..." '?
“Never compare your paycheck
with the guy standing next to you.”
What they meant was he might have less
deducted, taxes, sort of thing
- Not sure' sort of thing' adds anything. Maybe 'no dependents'?
Have you seen this the Army.pdf ?
https://www.dfas.mil/militarymembers/pay...utpay.html
deducted, fewer dependents, allotments,
or more time in grade, been serving longer
more time in grade, years prior service, or
- wouldn't all the years be 'prior'?
incentive pay for hazardous pursuits.
- not buying 'pursuits'. Too flip. 'Duty'?
(Is 'incentive pay' a thing? As opposed to, say, a combat bonus?)
Since inequality seeds envy, they,
- why 'seeds' rather than 'breeds'?
with discipline and unity in mind,
suggested we stay ignorant and blind.
- again, agree about 'remain'. Would the army 'suggest' ?
And why not rephrase this and put it in speech marks like the
'paycheck' section? (And possibly do the same with whatever
you settle on as examples of what they 'deserve').
That’s long ago, now, but to set aside
- I'm lost by the combination of 'now, but'
Command’s self-serving motives, there remains
a core of wisdom in their cold advice
because nobody gets what he deserves–
not length of days, nor friendship, joy, or fame,
not suffering, ignominy, and grief
- I think you lose the voice with this list.
(Cowards live, brave men die ... ?)
are toted up by some celestial clerk;
nor do our deeds impel a cosmic wheel
that brings around comeuppance or reward.
- and again with the 'celestial clerk/cosmic wheel'.
So as you stand beside my bier don’t try
comparing all I got with what you have.
- maybe switch this,
comparing what I got with all you have. ?
or should it have been
comparing all I had with what you got ?
Our pay stubs will be equal when we’re done:
for item, “Lives,” the number’s always “one.”
- not quite as much punch as it should have, I think.
Best, Knot.
.