07-05-2019, 11:37 PM
Overall I think this just needs some judicious paring. It has a certain voice, and it's maintained, but I think it slows down the read a bit. Not sure about the title, but not sure I have any better suggestions. Equality? Comparisons? I'm not sure the explanation in the final line is necessary.
When I was soldiering they used to say, Maybe something more specific than 'they'. Sergeants?
“Never compare your paycheck with the guy
next to you.” What they meant was that he might
have less deducted, taxes, sort of thing, [b']fewer deductions' has a better rhythm, but might not fit he voice[/b]
more time in grade, years prior service, or
incentive pay for hazardous pursuits.
Since inequality seeds envy, they, like the line
with discipline and unity in mind,
suggested we stay ignorant and blind. remain rather than stay? Same thought as above
That’s long ago, now, but to set aside 'now' confuses the meaning a bit for me. 'That was then, but now to set aside'
Command’s self-serving motives, there remains
a core of wisdom in their cold advice
because nobody gets what he deserves– how about one rarely gets what he deserves? Sometimes they do...
not length of days, nor friendship, joy, or fame,
not suffering, ignominy, and grief
are toted up by some celestial clerk; Something about the construction of this line seems wrong[/s]
nor do our deeds impel a cosmic wheel
that brings around comeuppance or reward. [b] like the use of comeuppance
So as you stand beside my bier don’t try
comparing all I got with what you have.
Our pay stubs will be equal when we’re done:
for item, “Lives,” the number’s always “one.” OK - on the fence about needing this line
When I was soldiering they used to say, Maybe something more specific than 'they'. Sergeants?
“Never compare your paycheck with the guy
next to you.” What they meant was that he might
have less deducted, taxes, sort of thing, [b']fewer deductions' has a better rhythm, but might not fit he voice[/b]
more time in grade, years prior service, or
incentive pay for hazardous pursuits.
Since inequality seeds envy, they, like the line
with discipline and unity in mind,
suggested we stay ignorant and blind. remain rather than stay? Same thought as above
That’s long ago, now, but to set aside 'now' confuses the meaning a bit for me. 'That was then, but now to set aside'
Command’s self-serving motives, there remains
a core of wisdom in their cold advice
because nobody gets what he deserves– how about one rarely gets what he deserves? Sometimes they do...
not length of days, nor friendship, joy, or fame,
not suffering, ignominy, and grief
are toted up by some celestial clerk; Something about the construction of this line seems wrong[/s]
nor do our deeds impel a cosmic wheel
that brings around comeuppance or reward. [b] like the use of comeuppance
So as you stand beside my bier don’t try
comparing all I got with what you have.
Our pay stubs will be equal when we’re done:
for item, “Lives,” the number’s always “one.” OK - on the fence about needing this line
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot