The decision(after feedback)

[Oden Prufrock]

Thank you for all of your input so far and thanks in advance for any more! I have tried to learn a bit more and had another go. 

[new version]
I was in love
years before I kissed you,
Because the creature in me, 
saw the creature in you. 

But one day I hit your wall,
that filled those gaps in time.
Your 'other woman'
Your 'other love'
That rotten ghost you call a friend.

With your feet firmly planted,
All you could do was say, 'I'm sorry',
as the tears ran down our cheeks.

I’m sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon,
I'm sorry you think you need it. 

All I can do is love you from the other side and wait until you realise, 
those colour dusted wings are just trapped. 

You have always been the butterfly.


[old version]
When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful. When i first kissed you, i knew your skin was made from something magic.
 But there's a wall between us. The other woman, the black hole, that rotten person you call a friend.
 With your feet firmly planted on the other side, all you could do was say 'I'm sorry',as the tears ran down our cheeks. 
I'm sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon, I'm sorry you think you need it.
 All I can do is love you from afar and wait until you see, those coloured wings are trapped.
 You have always been the butterfly.

The prosaic subversion of poetic features impacts the effectiveness of the poem at communicating ambiguity and influencing the emotions of the audience. Instead of having a linear story-like structure you could experiment with impressionist imagery - to do this read ‘Preludes’ by T.S Eliot. If you want to go the reverse route try reading ‘California Plush’ by Frank Bidard to learn more about effective story poems. If you want me to send you some info on these poems and offer analysis I’d be glad to.