Sometimes

[Oden Prufrock]

Sometimes the world is just shapes,
dark and light 
or colours on a palette knife.
Sometimes the world is a screen,
a myriad of players 
speaking in foreign languages 
but that's not the problem.
There's smiles.
And eyes are either golden with light
or cold as the blue.
There's music in the hubbub of a bar,
or by a bus stop seat.
TV shows rarely get it right.
The way we think between sentences,
how the mind is slow. Then fast. 

Sometimes there's a fragrance
you walk past in the night.
Sometimes you wake and remember
a dream that's recurring. 
Now it fits like a crossword,
the faces, the building, 
the message that's given.

Repetition of simple imagery at the start is cool, invites the reader in with accessible statements. Dissonance created by “but that’s not the problem” is effective - if you weren’t aiming for that tell me. “There’s smiles” should have a comma at the end to allow for a better flow and to enhance the dissonance of the prior line. “A myriad of players” is a bit vague because I got the sense it was either a video game or a soccer game and there were players on the screen; you need to define the players’ position in this image. “Cold as the blue” is weak and is impacting the validity of your use of simple language up until this point. “There’s music in the hubbub of a bar” is a boring line due to it telling and not showing. For the image of the bus stop seat wouldn’t you want to contrast that to the hubbub in the bar instead of having music liven it up creating an awkward image and not repeating the contrast in prior lines between golden light and eyes of blue? Title is not effective, change it. “TV show rarely get it right” could end with a colon ( to lead into the next line better. “Slow. Then fast.” Could have a comma between slow and then. Message at the end is TOO vague and doesn’t effectively wrap up the themes and emotions of the poem, you’ve discussed. 

6.3/10