Divisions

[Oden Prufrock]

Divisions

After the catastrophe I sat

in strained communion with my father.

We nibbled toasted pain de mie,

choked down bottles of inexpensive wine,

and muttered a few prayers

for comfort.

I woke early the next morning,

nestled in a dusty quilt,

scrunched atop my window seat.

The oak outside was lightning-struck

- the pillar split to the roots, limbs bent askew.

It’s nests were void of sparrows;

with no nourishment, no shelter, no comfort,

I guess it no longer felt like home.

Your introduction of the first detail - the catastrophe - felt too fast-paced and didn’t show instead of tell. A poem you could look at which has a great introduction for catastrophe is ‘Mid-Term Break’ by Seamus Heaney; it’s a good example of a slow pace towards a final reveal. That might not work for your poem since you haven’t specifically named the catastrophe or hinted at what it is, which may detract from the overall impact of the subject matter; the lacking of implications as to what its all about makes it boring. Thr tension of the situation is communicated through the second line but this isn’t expanded upon or implied to tie in with anything else. The concept you begin with should be clearly channeled through something to have an effect on the reader but the poem falls flat in this respect. Being vague is good but it needs to be less general.

 The style of writing is a good way of telling a narrative since you have a prosaic tone to the syntax, but you fail to capitalise on this. Describing events can be a form of poetry in itself yet you focus on describing small details that fail to build up to something profound or intense. The second stanza has the cliche image of a lightning struck tree but due to the Christian terminology of communion and prayer this takes on a powerful meaning. The last line “I guess it no longer felt like home” doesn’t make what ‘it’ is clear enough. Is it the home they live in? Is it the tree? This line could’ve been shortened to only an adjective used on what youre describing. I really like the inclusion of “pain de mie” as it gives a sense of cheapness, context and I’m not sure if you were going for this but it sounds like a pun on the word ‘pain’, reflecting the mood and feeling of catastrophe.

6/10