07-01-2019, 05:49 AM
Lonesome as a Hotel Lobby Christmas Tree
I wouldn't use lonesome, it is an over-used pop song word.
Lights obey a timer,
I like this, it is a minor detail but says a lot about the nature of a commecialized Xmas.
while an aged angel
I also don't like aged, it is too general a word.
but its halo freshly painted.
Again like the timer line, this detail says far more than all the modifiers, lonesome, aged, crooked, burned out. These have much less power than little real observations unique to the situation.
S2 could refer to anything, the use of alone after using lonesome in the title is not helpful.
You need something that captures more about the lonliness of hotels. I always think a person with a suitcase looks like a refugee or someone who has lost their home. Images like that would say much more than adverbs and adjectives.
The poem caught my attention because I worked in various hotels for 6 years.
cheers
Ross
I wouldn't use lonesome, it is an over-used pop song word.
Lights obey a timer,
I like this, it is a minor detail but says a lot about the nature of a commecialized Xmas.
while an aged angel
I also don't like aged, it is too general a word.
but its halo freshly painted.
Again like the timer line, this detail says far more than all the modifiers, lonesome, aged, crooked, burned out. These have much less power than little real observations unique to the situation.
S2 could refer to anything, the use of alone after using lonesome in the title is not helpful.
You need something that captures more about the lonliness of hotels. I always think a person with a suitcase looks like a refugee or someone who has lost their home. Images like that would say much more than adverbs and adjectives.
The poem caught my attention because I worked in various hotels for 6 years.
cheers
Ross