06-30-2019, 07:17 PM
The poem's speaker is gormless, gormless but conscious of his gormlessness. He cannot name the clouds, but he knows the meaning of the word "Nimbus". He is lost in the park, where he is launched into epiphany. The third stanza, with its "ands", has a very biblical feel to it, launching the poem into tension. A tension that leaves the page, pulling the reader fully into the gormless mindset of the speaker: he is gormless, it turns out, about his relationship, though exacting in his absorption of the particulars. The feeling of the title -- "No Certainties" -- is conveyed with a clear simplicity. Lovely work.
Now for nits.
---What is the significance of three, other than an additional particular?
---"I like that" is unnecessary.
---the line "in centennial" sounds horrendous. the t's and d's emphasize the s's to the point that the s's cut the ear. it might be intended, but i'd prefer adding "park" to break the dissonance, and maybe switch "busy".
---The third stanza is really great. Maybe something a little more natural than "the cover of your bed", but that's just me.
---Fourth stanza, too, but "your accent" is too nonspecific. i don't think the speaker is gormless to the point of not making this detail actually valuable to the poem: "your accent" doesn't say anything other than the gormless notes details at random, but "your American accent" or "your British accent" or even "your peculiar accent" or "your foreign accent" fills it with meaning. specify, or omit.
---I especially like "in the patient way of a stranger".
Now for nits.
---What is the significance of three, other than an additional particular?
---"I like that" is unnecessary.
---the line "in centennial" sounds horrendous. the t's and d's emphasize the s's to the point that the s's cut the ear. it might be intended, but i'd prefer adding "park" to break the dissonance, and maybe switch "busy".
---The third stanza is really great. Maybe something a little more natural than "the cover of your bed", but that's just me.
---Fourth stanza, too, but "your accent" is too nonspecific. i don't think the speaker is gormless to the point of not making this detail actually valuable to the poem: "your accent" doesn't say anything other than the gormless notes details at random, but "your American accent" or "your British accent" or even "your peculiar accent" or "your foreign accent" fills it with meaning. specify, or omit.
---I especially like "in the patient way of a stranger".