06-30-2019, 04:57 PM
Nice opening stanza. Sets up the mood of retirement. Nice rhythm to the lines.
Around S2L3 I lose the meaning of ‘tap my spine’, but understand the next. It also loses the initial rhythm there. The first two lines of S2 keep the mid-line pause, but depend on ‘and’ to do so. A bit repetitive.
S3 loses the rhYthm entirely, and while I get the double entendre of buzzed, the line seems a let-down to the nice set-up. Guess I was expecting an epiphany of some sort. The stanza seems a bit forced without the conversational feel of S1.
S3L1 feels metrical. A metrical line shouldn’t feel that way. Compare it to the smooth opening line. One thing that exaggerated that feel is having a line of all monosyllabic words. Makes the meter jump out at the reader.
Finally - S3 again - the first line doesn’t seem to connect well with the previous stanza. ‘Now’ makes a time jump. How about ‘while’? Maybe even enjamb the lines across the stanza break:
I wait for calls that mean the most / while in a five star unit...
I’m not commenting on meter, because I don’t know if you’re trying for a tight metrical piece or not. If you are, let me know and I’ll comment there.
Looking forward to revisions on this, especially in S3
Around S2L3 I lose the meaning of ‘tap my spine’, but understand the next. It also loses the initial rhythm there. The first two lines of S2 keep the mid-line pause, but depend on ‘and’ to do so. A bit repetitive.
S3 loses the rhYthm entirely, and while I get the double entendre of buzzed, the line seems a let-down to the nice set-up. Guess I was expecting an epiphany of some sort. The stanza seems a bit forced without the conversational feel of S1.
S3L1 feels metrical. A metrical line shouldn’t feel that way. Compare it to the smooth opening line. One thing that exaggerated that feel is having a line of all monosyllabic words. Makes the meter jump out at the reader.
Finally - S3 again - the first line doesn’t seem to connect well with the previous stanza. ‘Now’ makes a time jump. How about ‘while’? Maybe even enjamb the lines across the stanza break:
I wait for calls that mean the most / while in a five star unit...
I’m not commenting on meter, because I don’t know if you’re trying for a tight metrical piece or not. If you are, let me know and I’ll comment there.
Looking forward to revisions on this, especially in S3
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot