06-29-2019, 10:40 AM
The first line of a poem needs to be strong, to pull the reader instantly into piece. Half of the words in L1 are adjectives or articles. Only one adjective seems necessary - evening. It sets the time of day, and the fog provides an image.
Evening fog dims the streetlights. Diminishes might be more accurate, plus you’re adding more rhythm and variance to the with a word of 4 syllables. A multi-syllabic word is spoken faster and has primary and secondary stresses.
Evening fog diminishes the streetlamps.
How can the bus be lonesome if there’s noisy passing traffic?
Giving life or demonstrating the statue is alive?
Can’t figure out how the statue magically senses the narrator. Notices rather than senses?
The last two lines are the strongest in the poem.
I think there’s much you can do with this.
Punctuation gives you additional control of phrase length - dictating where the reader should pause or stop - in addition to your line breaks. Use it where you wish.
Some pauses are ‘built into’ the language structure.
A lonesome bus || parked for the night.
So you don’t need to punctuate to force a pause there.
Evening fog dims the streetlights. Diminishes might be more accurate, plus you’re adding more rhythm and variance to the with a word of 4 syllables. A multi-syllabic word is spoken faster and has primary and secondary stresses.
Evening fog diminishes the streetlamps.
How can the bus be lonesome if there’s noisy passing traffic?
Giving life or demonstrating the statue is alive?
Can’t figure out how the statue magically senses the narrator. Notices rather than senses?
The last two lines are the strongest in the poem.
I think there’s much you can do with this.
Punctuation gives you additional control of phrase length - dictating where the reader should pause or stop - in addition to your line breaks. Use it where you wish.
Some pauses are ‘built into’ the language structure.
A lonesome bus || parked for the night.
So you don’t need to punctuate to force a pause there.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot