06-26-2019, 01:24 AM
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Hi Churinga.
I agree with Seraphim about the potential here.
S1/L3 works very well, I think.
My first thought would be to swap the order of
S2 and S3 (maybe cutting the third 'and' as well).
or you might put it into the present tense
The cover of your bed is folded
when I awake from my dream
shuddering, you are gone ?
S1/L2 - do you mean, I don't know what they're called?
(If you don't know how to name them, how do you
know there are three 'types' ?)
(Is Centennial a place?)
Colon after 'stranger' ?
In S4 I'd prefer something about N rather than 'your accent'
(which does not offer much).
Best, Knot.
.
Hi Churinga.
I agree with Seraphim about the potential here.
S1/L3 works very well, I think.
My first thought would be to swap the order of
S2 and S3 (maybe cutting the third 'and' as well).
or you might put it into the present tense
The cover of your bed is folded
when I awake from my dream
shuddering, you are gone ?
S1/L2 - do you mean, I don't know what they're called?
(If you don't know how to name them, how do you
know there are three 'types' ?)
(Is Centennial a place?)
Colon after 'stranger' ?
In S4 I'd prefer something about N rather than 'your accent'
(which does not offer much).
Best, Knot.
.