An Image of Gray

[Knot]

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Hi Seraphim,
enjoyed the read.

Not keen on the title, surely 'Dorian' makes it (and the subtitle)
unnecessary?

L3 - 'But' - seems almost too forceful, it gives a pause
where one might not be needed. Maybe 'Yet' ?
That said, and in keeping with L1,
(Yet) could we but peer behind ... ? - 'lovely' offers nothing.
Surely there are better alternatives?

L4 - rather confusing construction, 'through' throws me. Should
it be 'as through' ? Regardless, I'd suggest cutting 'looking'.
Enjoyed the nod to 1 Corinthians 13. Could more be made of it?

L5 - maybe re-order - there we'd view time's true effects ?
(You might leave a gap here, two stanzas rather than one.)

L6 - excellent line. (Though maybe 'veil' for 'touch'?)

L7 - the repetition of 'perhaps' is weak, I think, and 'twist'
is close to cliché. Maybe 'patina' or 'kerf', instead, in keeping
with the gemstone theme.

L8 - I think you need a 'see' (or some variant) before 'instead'.

L9 - I think both 'ands' weaken the ending (both might be cut).
Maybe a period after 'impenetrable' ?


Best, Knot.



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