06-25-2019, 11:29 AM
I see a lot of potential for developing this.
It seems you’re leading up the larger uncertainty in the penultimate stanza with two stanzas of minor uncertainties. Then a move towards resolution in the last stanza. A good idea, except I don’t see uncertainty in S2, so maybe I’m misreading the intent.
I think S1 can be a very strong opener with the imagery of dark clouds, and the possibility of some great stress patterns - cumulous-nimbus.
S3 confuses me a bit. “Your bed”? Makes me wonder about the relationship / living situation. They were roommates but not lovers?
Just some thoughts
It seems you’re leading up the larger uncertainty in the penultimate stanza with two stanzas of minor uncertainties. Then a move towards resolution in the last stanza. A good idea, except I don’t see uncertainty in S2, so maybe I’m misreading the intent.
I think S1 can be a very strong opener with the imagery of dark clouds, and the possibility of some great stress patterns - cumulous-nimbus.
S3 confuses me a bit. “Your bed”? Makes me wonder about the relationship / living situation. They were roommates but not lovers?
Just some thoughts
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot