06-23-2019, 06:44 PM
Pins and needles scatter light
from crevices of sunshine crawling
through brown sacks of dust.
I think this is incoherent imagery. Sunshine is a crevice, then it is crawling through sacks, what the pins and needles have to do with it is anyone's guess.
How many times can thirty
days be cast aside - secrets in a dresser
collected - regrets in a cigar box
unkept?
This makes sense but it just hangs there without any context or further explanation.
Pins and needles wage a fight
justified by love of self destruction -
stayed by the righteousness of life?
As others have said words like 'love' 'self-destruction' and 'righteousness' are broad abstracts, you need to define them via detail.
I don't mind a poem that leaves room for the reader's imagination, that sets up puzzling imagery, but this is going too far.
I encourage you to keep writing. There's something interesting here but I am not sure what it is.
cheers
Ross
from crevices of sunshine crawling
through brown sacks of dust.
I think this is incoherent imagery. Sunshine is a crevice, then it is crawling through sacks, what the pins and needles have to do with it is anyone's guess.
How many times can thirty
days be cast aside - secrets in a dresser
collected - regrets in a cigar box
unkept?
This makes sense but it just hangs there without any context or further explanation.
Pins and needles wage a fight
justified by love of self destruction -
stayed by the righteousness of life?
As others have said words like 'love' 'self-destruction' and 'righteousness' are broad abstracts, you need to define them via detail.
I don't mind a poem that leaves room for the reader's imagination, that sets up puzzling imagery, but this is going too far.
I encourage you to keep writing. There's something interesting here but I am not sure what it is.
cheers
Ross