Beyond Recall

[Knot]

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Hi Seraphim,
was it just a quick Sweeny Todd-ing you were after?

The title doesn't really do much, for me (something more bucolic perhaps?),
and the lack of specifics throughout - 'that elm', 'those oak' 'some bygone' -
creates a distancing effect.

Might 'river' be 'River' ?

I think it would be improved without the baldness of 'in my mind', it's too
soon for that reveal.

The 'or was it blonde?' seems far to arch a question.

I didn't find the 'hair' as 'transient vapor' a convincing image.

The switch in S2 (L3/4) is rather sudden
(although it would destroy the form, reversing the order of the line
Yet in the mist, I sense no haunt of love lost
would soften the transition ... maybe).

Speaking of which ...


The River's mist has risen to confine
my reach and threatens, slowly, to subsume
the deadfalls in my mind. In all directions
it has spread beyond the valley floor,
and sought this woodland crest of recollections.
Its vapour - denser than before - now crowds
the elm, the oak, and soon shall it consume
this copse of pine

where ere some bygone lover would recline.
Her autumn hair - or was it spring? - a cloak
like clouds, soft, billowing above the ground.
I sense no haunt of love lost in the mist,
but feel anew the loss of loves I'd found;
haunted by the hope that I exist beyond
this memory - of elm, of oak,
and copse of pine.


Enjoyed the read.


Best, Knot.

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