06-22-2019, 04:05 PM
i come from a family of bad hips
we carry our weight in our walk
our legs at bad angles
'bad angles' i'ts crying out for an image here, the repetition of 'bad', a weak word in the context, is not 'good'.
my father simplified by his pain
on the stairs his back hunches
he sleeps with deliberate motions
on the farm he used to dig the fastest
the shovel his whole self
it was a way to survive
like stealing blackberries in the heat (it was a way) you could omit this, I know the repetition as with bad is deliberate but grammatically it feels awkward and I don't think it helps.
lips smeared purple his tongue showed
when it finally rained he caught it mouthfirst
For me it falls by subject matter into triplets. I would use punctuation, it helps the understanding. I think the layout is unnecessary, it is a poem not a painting.
I liked it. Especially 'the shovel his whole self'. You deal unsentimentally with memories yet create sentiment. I would change the title to something better than 'bad hips'
best wishes
Ross
we carry our weight in our walk
our legs at bad angles
'bad angles' i'ts crying out for an image here, the repetition of 'bad', a weak word in the context, is not 'good'.
my father simplified by his pain
on the stairs his back hunches
he sleeps with deliberate motions
on the farm he used to dig the fastest
the shovel his whole self
it was a way to survive
like stealing blackberries in the heat (it was a way) you could omit this, I know the repetition as with bad is deliberate but grammatically it feels awkward and I don't think it helps.
lips smeared purple his tongue showed
when it finally rained he caught it mouthfirst
For me it falls by subject matter into triplets. I would use punctuation, it helps the understanding. I think the layout is unnecessary, it is a poem not a painting.
I liked it. Especially 'the shovel his whole self'. You deal unsentimentally with memories yet create sentiment. I would change the title to something better than 'bad hips'
best wishes
Ross